Chloe Philpot - mourning: my hometown

from Feminine Waste x No(w)here Collective Comp by Feminine Waste

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lyrics

it is not a movie. there are no abandoned houses for kids to sneak into. all my neighbors are a mile away and old. the sidewalk ends past the first bridge, but no one uses it anyway. there is a house way back in a field. it is mine or it is me. it is not abandoned yet but it is already a local legend. the adults point their fingers like children. i feel like broken windows. it has taken me twenty years to realize i am the house at the end of the street. i remind myself this is what it feels like to be from a place that only knows how to live the same life over and over.

everyone is dying to leave but they will always come back. i say i do not want to live here anymore and they laugh until they cry. moving away means i have broken the cycle. breaking the cycle means i have abandoned the tradition of living on this land. but this land does not welcome me easily. it spits my name like a slur. i know if i stay here too long it will turn my body into a target or an example or a future history lesson for the wrong side of an invisible war. they do not see anything wrong with this.

the lake seems to swallow people whole. sometimes i wonder how long they fight before they give up. i have been kicking for seven years and i still dream i am drowning. maybe it is easy to exist here if you fit into the right places. a third of my high school class will go missing before our ten year reunion. by that i mean they will leave and never come back. sometimes the town holds a grievance for the family. i think about my funeral while i pack. i make a list of a hundred ways i could be pronounced dead in this town and only one of them is dying.

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from Feminine Waste x No(w)here Collective Comp, released March 24, 2021

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